The Bus - pt. 1

I could write literally volumes on how shitty everyone seems to be on public transportation. And I do mean literally, unlike those assholes who say literally when they mean figuratively. (Cut it out, jerkwads. I'll get to you guys later.) But since the bus seems to be a breeding ground for awfulness, I'll tackle this issue one asshole behavior at a time. Today: the apparently deeply difficult and multipartite concept of keeping your shit to yourself.

Are you listening to music? Cool, I do that too. Crazy, I know, we have so much in common. Let's get married right now except not, because you refuse to use headphones and your shitty dubstep is wob-wob-wob-wob-ing around the bus. Look, I'm already judging you because your elbow is jammed into my ass. You don't need to expose your poor taste and penchant for assholery in one go. You're ruining the mystery. And the sanctity of my butt.

Conversations! Talking to other folks can be fun. You know what's never fun? Being forced to listen to you drone on and on about how your dog ate the cat food and your kid stole your credit card to buy a million Slurpees or whatever it is kids spend money on. Even if you're spilling salacious details - maybe the maid stole all your sex tapes (you probably just misplaced them, you asshole) - no one wants to hear you. Use your library voice or just shut up and we'll all get through this together. In silence.

Yikes, you seem to have a lot of stuff. How'd you even get that terrarium and yoga mat and sack full of groceries and diving suit and vacuum on the bus in the first place? That's kind of impressive. But guess what? That doesn't mean I want to get lost in your weird avalanche of shit. If you can't keep all of your junk off of my feet and out of my lap, consider getting a car. For reals. You're being the worst, and everyone hates you.

And then there is, of course, keeping your actual shit to yourself. Please do not shit the bus. No matter what the situation - violent food poisoning, chronic homelessness, simply not giving a fuck - keep your shit up in your rectum where it belongs or get off the goddamn bus. You fucking asshole.