Insert Seattle coffee stereotype here, since I'm too lazy to and if I don't you will anyway, so fuck you right off the bat. Anyway, I fucking love coffee. Where's the fun in being at work and not twitching all over the place? Right, there is none. So every day before I start my shitty life I go get a coffee and enjoy fifteen minutes of peace. Except I can't even enjoy it, because every goddamn time I go, there is at least one asshole determined to fuck with what is a perfect drink.
What the fuck is a venti half-caf extra dry extra hot no foam 2 pumps caramel latte plus whip? Where in caffeinated hell did you learn to drink coffee? That's NOT FUCKING COFFEE. That is an overly complicated sugar slurry that will rot your teeth and make your ass more dimply than a sack of golf balls. If you have to describe your drink with more than three paramaters - size, type, and if you must some additional request - you need to shut the fuck up and stop pretending you drink coffee. It's bad enough that places outside of Starbucks have adopted that completely nonsensical tall/grande/venti size differentiation, so why do you have to make it even worse? What the crap happened to just a fucking cup of coffee?
Stop it. For the love of your butt, and my blood pressure, stop it. Order a simple cup of coffee. A 16 oz Americano with room, even. But if you stand there in front of me, rattling off an asshole order that makes everyone, especially the barista, stabby - prepare yourself. Because once I get my REGULAR FUCKING COFFEE, it's going right in your fat smug dopey face.
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